Back for Good (for now anyways)

Photo from NewsLetterTree

The last time I published anything on this blog, I had recently found out I lost my high school teaching job, and I was starting to look for a new teaching position.  I promised that I would try to keep my blog going, but given that my last blog post was five months ago, I guess that didn't quite work out.  I can tell you that the last time I posted, I was feeling pretty optimistic about my future. 

But I can only spend so much time feeling sorry for myself.  A short period of self-pity is quite necessary, but overdoing it is not going to help me be a better teacher, or find me a new job.  So, I dove headfirst into the job hunt, and I have been there ever since. 

Turns out the job hunt was more difficult that I thought it would be.  I had numerous job interviews in the past five months, all of which got my hopes up, but only to lead to disappointment when I didn't get it.  Sometimes, I didn't interview as well as I would have liked to.  Sometimes, I gave a good interview, but someone else did better.  I even had one interview at a charter school in Kansas City that was combative and quite bizarre (I will share that story another day).  The point is, with education cuts being what they are in these times, the amount of teachers looking for new jobs is pretty astonishing, and makes for a difficult job hunt (even in special education where there is always a need). That new teaching job never came.

Not only did my self-pity return, but it became a chronic condition.  At times, I grew quite bitter and depressed.  I was already out of shape with little to no exercise, a poor diet, and constantly stressed before my job loss.  I added the habit of smoking to my "healthy" lifestyle (I have now mostly quit).  I was not only worried about my future financially, I began to wonder whether I wasted my time and money going back to school a few years back to become a teacher.  I knew I love what I did, but was all this an indication that I'm not a good teacher, or that I don't deserve to teach?  

When I talked to one of my supervisors shortly after hearing the news about my non-renewal, I promised that I would try to stay positive and not let this effect my job.  She said that while I had a good attitude, that would probably not last.  At some point, the reality of the news would hit me, and I might need to take a day for myself.  To some extent, she was incorrect.  I never "took a day for myself", and there wasn't an exact moment where the news "hit me".  As for the work in my remaining time at the High School, I never really faltered in my duties as a teacher or case manager.  I knew the responsibilities of my job (and to my students) were too important.  However, I got very lax in some of the ways I approached different rules set out for teachers (dress code, showing up late, leaving early, etc.)  I always told myself the same thing: "what are they going to do, fire me?" For the most part, the point my supervisor was trying to make was correct.  Slowly, the reality of my situation did get to me. 

I decided shortly after my last blog post, whenever the feelings of depression and self-pity started occurring more, I did not want to continue posting for a while (certainly while I didn't have a new job lined up).  I did not want my personal problems and negative attitude to be the focus this blog, which it would have been.  I started using my Twitter account again a couple of months back, and expressed some of my frustrations there (in the form of 140 characters or less).  But that is not what I want this blog to be about.  I vowed to myself that I would stop blogging until things in my life were a little more in order.  I made no announcement of this, I just stopped.

Well, as this post indicates, I'm starting again.  About a month ago, I started doing math and reading tutoring  at a company in Overland Park, KS a couple nights a week.  It doesn't pay much, but the fact they wanted me to work there gave me a major boost of confidence that I hadn't felt in months.  Then, a couple of days ago, a technical center in Northeast Kansas hired me as a paraprofessional.  I start next week, and I will be working with high school students who have Behavior Disorders.

Granted, I would much rather have a regular teaching job, but for now, I am happy with this job.  For starters, I get to work in a really excellent school district that could lead to something better in the future.  Plus, since I don't have to plan lessons or work on IEPs, I have more time to do other things I like (exercising, reading, hanging out with my wife, and blogging of course).  More importantly, I will continue to do what I love: educate and help young people with special needs (just in a different capacity).  Financially, things are still up in the air.  The pay cut I get with this job is pretty significant.  However, my wife recently interviewed with a company that pays pretty well, and will hopefully be hired there pretty soon.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

These past few months have been some of the most difficult and stressful months of my life.  This whole experience has probably been as demoralizing as anything I have ever gone through.  Sometimes, an experience like mine provides some type of life lesson, but I haven't found any yet.  All I know is that I am as positive about life and the future as I have been in months.  As far as this blog goes, I hope to continue to write about a variety of issues surrounding education, politics, and other topics of interest.  There is so much I have missed writing about these past few months that I regret not writing about.  These include the SOS March, the GOP Presidential Campaign, the death of Osama Bin Laden, and the continuous uprisings in the Arab World. I can't promise I won't ever go on hiatus again, but for right now, it feels good to be back and writing.

By the way, I want to update you on a student that I talked about in March who I was trying to help graduate.

One student, in particular, will make me especially proud if he can get to graduation.  He has spent the past year largely absent from school.  He comes from a very at-risk background full of poverty and crime.  Our biggest worry at school was that he was doomed to drop out and eventually go to prison.  Now, after a couple of times going through juvenile imprisonment, he has had a sudden change of heart.  He is coming to his classes, doing all of his work, and taking extra courses through credit recovery.  Suddenly, he is on track to graduate in May.  He has promised to get back on track before, only to fall right back off track.  But it does feels different this time: his attitude is more motivated, and his positive behavior is more consistent.  I just hope he can keep doing what he is doing for a couple more months.  A high school diploma will by no means ensure a secure future for him, but it does significantly increase his chances.  If he walks across that stage with his gown and gap, and receives his diploma, it will certainly be one of the proudest moments of my career. 

For a while, he missed a few classes, and started slacking again.  But in the final few weeks of school, he got his butt in gear, brought his grades up, and I am proud to say he walked out with his diploma in May.  What happens from here on out is up to him, and I do worry that he may fall into a lifestyle that will wind up with negative consequences.  But I also know that a student like him, without the support he received from myself and others, would likely have dropped out at other schools.  I am so proud that I got to leave my job with that accomplishment.  It is something I will never forget.  I will end this post with the words I ended in that post.

These are the reasons why I love what I do.  I can only hope that my next job will provide these same types of opportunities.